The Not Drinking Alcohol Today Podcast
Meg and Bella discuss the ups and downs of navigating an alcohol free life in Australia's alcohol centric culture. This highly rated podcast, featuring in Australia's top 100 self improvement podcasts, is a must for those that are trying to drink less alcohol but need some motivation, are curious about sober life or who are sober but are looking for some extra reinforcement. The Not Drinking Alcohol Today pod provides an invaluable resource to keep you motivated and on track today and beyond. Meg and Bella's guests include neuroscientists, quit-lit authors, journalists, health experts, alcohol coaches and everyday people who have struggled with alcohol but have triumphed over it. Our aim is to support and inspire you to reach your goals to drink less or none at all! Meg and Bella are This Naked Mind Certified Coaches (plus nutritionists and counsellors respectively) who live in Sydney.
The Not Drinking Alcohol Today Podcast
Getting down and deep with Darcy!
Darcy shares her powerful journey from teenage drinking to finding freedom from alcohol without traditional recovery programs or labels. Her story weaves through decades of substance use, career changes, grief after losing her brother to suicide, and ultimately discovering a path to sobriety that works for her unique needs.
In this episode, Darcy approaches sobriety not as rigid perfection but as a journey of self-discovery. When cravings arise, she asks what's really missing—often discovering it's connection, rest, or emotional processing rather than the drink itself. Her story demonstrates that freedom from alcohol dependency doesn't require accepting disempowering labels or following one specific path.
Darcy Insta: https://www.instagram.com/darcysinsidejob/
Contact Darcy: darcy@theinsidejobwithdarcynolan.com
MEG
Megan Webb: https://glassfulfilled.com.au
Instagram: @glassfulfilled
Unwined Bookclub: https://www.alcoholfreedom.com.au/unwinedbookclub
Facebook UpsideAF: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1168716054214678
Small group coaching: https://www.elizaparkinson.com/groupcoaching
BELLA
Web: https://isabellaferguson.com.au
Insta: @alcoholcounsellorisabella
Bi-Yearly 6-Week Small Group Challenges: Learn more: https://www.isabellaferguson.com.au/feb-2025-challenge
Free Do I Have A Drinking Problem 3 x Video Series: https://resources.isabellaferguson.com.au/offers/JTFFgjJL/checkout
Free HOW DO I STOP DRINKING SO MUCH Masterclass: https://resources.isabellaferguson.com.au/offers/7fvkb3FF/checkout
Online Alcohol Self-Paced Course: ...
Hey everyone. I'm so excited to be here with my friend Darcy, and Darcy has got a great story to share. How are you going, darcy?
Speaker 2:I'm going great. How are you? It's great to see you. I love that you're in the future. I am.
Speaker 1:I am over in Australia. It was particularly weird when I was in 2025 and you were in 2024.
Speaker 2:Weird and I keep insisting on you telling me if America gets its shit together or not in 2025. I'm here, hi everybody. I'm here in just outside of Portland, oregon, west Coast, america, not too far from.
Speaker 1:Seattle, america, not too far from Seattle. Yes, well, it's so good to have you here and I'm excited for you to share your story with the listeners, so I will throw it over to you if you don't mind sharing your story of how you got to here.
Speaker 2:There's so many ways to tell my story and I, I, uh, I often am like well, do I tell it from what? What point of view do I tell it from how? About a little introduction? So I, let's see, I was born and raised in um, washington state, in the U? S, and so the Pacific Northwest, and now I live just outside of Portland, oregon. Um, I just retired from the postal service where I worked at for 30 years.
Speaker 2:I, I have my husband, my person. I have two fabulous bonus kids, stepchildren. They're grown, but it's so funny because I it really meant a lot to me when my stepdaughter started started calling me her bonus mama. I love that. Yeah, I love them. They complete me, including. I have a grandchild. Wow, I have a grandchild. It's like, oh, I get to have, you know, I get to be a grandma. I mean I tried the whole thing of like I want to be a grant. I mean I tried the whole thing of like well, I want to be a grant, I want to. Don't call me grandma, call me Mimi, mimi, mimi Love it, I do like that, but it hasn't caught on so far.
Speaker 2:I started drinking in my teens, my early teens, basically to fit in, right, everybody was doing it. Oh, I just, uh, everybody was doing it, everybody. I hung out. I kind of was an old soul. I felt like, um, I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to, you know, have excitement, and, um, so it was what everybody was doing party, party that in in Spokane, or in Spokane. In Spokane, there was a lot of restaurants, colleges that's where Gonzaga is Restaurants, colleges, I guess, churches Not that I went, or my family went and keggers.
Speaker 2:There wasn't a whole lot to do. It's in a beautiful part of the country though, so, anyways, to fit in. And then, um, I also started to notice I was different than a lot of the people. It was uh, uh, I would hang out with people that were, um, you know, I think I was in a conservative part of the country, the which I never realized, cause my family wasn't super conservative and I, you know, I, I, I gravitated towards, I almost said gratitude, I gratituded towards people like me.
Speaker 2:That and you know, I realize now that there are reasons why I, you know, liked to drink or just it made me feel more normal in a lot of ways, and I don't remember ever like I mean, I remember we went to like a lot of keggers and a lot of like parties, but I don't really remember like how we got there. I don't remember. I know I wasn't doing very little of the driving, thank goodness but I find it interesting that I don't remember those parts. But we always managed to. You know, that was what we did and, like everyone, like on Thursday and Friday you start getting addresses of where there's going to be a kegger.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then you know you'd spend the weekend going. Well, there's supposed to be one at this address and there's supposed to be one at this address. So, and I did notice again that I, I was different and, um, just and fitting in, seemed like I, uh, I guess now you'd be almost be like the chosen family that you call it now, Like I would. I had a little bit more of a chosen family. My mom was working a lot Um, no dad in the picture and so I was able to get away with a ton of stuff. I also started learning and mastering, not wanting to get caught doing what I wasn't supposed to be doing, Let my mom down, make her be worried. So I started learning how to be what I learned once I started how to be what I learned once I started. Actually, it was in outpatient rehab where I learned. I started learning manipulative as a word. A manipulative is a word that is very kind of scary and I think of a kind of a horrible person. Quote unquote is a manipulative person. But then I started to learn that you know it's a person who's, in a nutshell, I guess, making the turnout be the way you want it to be and doing whatever I had to do to get it to be that way, including lying about where I was going to be, making sure I didn't get caught, Um, and so be learning how to be manipulative, I guess because it was just really important that I didn't worry my mom, Cause we had so much going on, you know, for um, getting by, you know it was me, my mom and my brother for a really long time and wanting to, you know, just not worry my mom. So that's where I, you know the secretiveness, so, and this is kind of important, I'm, I'm, I'm thinking about it and maybe, you know, doing some pauses here, but when I think about it I definitely realized that that was a big part of of what became who I started to continue to evolve, to become over the years, and because in my twenties one, of course, right, what's the best way?
Speaker 2:When you're in Spokane, you, you it's kind of natural to many of us. You know you move to Seattle, you graduate from high school and you move to Seattle or you move to Portland. They're not that far, really. You know you move to Seattle, you graduate from high school and you move to Seattle or you move to Portland. They're not that far, really, you know, it's like four hours um to Seattle, um, five to Portland, Um, and it's pretty natural for a lot of us to just move and and um. So, and it's perfect because I, I'm, I don't have the um accountability or it accountability or it wasn't. There was no Instagram or Facebook, Nothing was being posted that my family could see. So my uncle, Bill, did tell me once your mom knows more than you think she did. She knew a lot more than you thought she did.
Speaker 2:But so I just went crazy.
Speaker 2:I even pretended that I had a regular job and I would. I became a stripper. Because how else am I going to move to Seattle, go to college? Um, I did have a Pell grant, but that doesn't pay much. It helps pay for books and stuff, but I had to be able to move over there, pay bills and go to school, and and I, I'd actually already started doing that in Spokane.
Speaker 2:That's a story that we could oh, I'm always happy to talk about that part of my life too, you know to to pay the bills and to party and to go to school, and it was a lot of fun. I had lots of fun, and so in my twenties, you know, I, um, it was fun, it was exhausting, Um, but it was definitely like party, party, party. I thought I was going to be like, um, I went to school for applied arts and science. I thought I was going to be able to make like, like, uh, movies or, um, you know, videos for MTV or documentaries is really one of my bags too. I've made a few documentaries, but in, in, in, but I, um, you know, I really, you know, and it was really fun to, until it wasn't because I was doing a lot of other substances at the same time.
Speaker 2:You know, I started a lot of speed, um, and the speed really made me feel that's the, that is the substance that really made me feel. Normal is that I, suddenly I could focus, I could, um, I could start, follow through and finish an art project, Um, I, I could go through a whole day not wondering why am I so tired? You know, why am I this? Why am I that? I've always was, you know, like kind of a, never a real high energy person, and that does not go super well with America. Well, you know, I think a lot of the world is there's a grind culture. You got to produce, produce, produce, produce. You got to. You know, work hard, play hard, Um.
Speaker 2:And so I always have felt huge guilt for being somebody who needs a nap, who isn't able to just go full speed ahead, um, five days a week. I can go full speed ahead maybe two days a week. I need the rest a week. So it really helped me feel normal. I did a lot of speed and and and also so I didn't have the side effects of drinking, because it kept me from getting really drunk a lot. It kept me from having blackouts, all those things that they didn't really happen when I was using, so not that they didn't happen if I wasn't using at the time. So, um, so and then. But I did, I had. I did have a lot of fun.
Speaker 2:There was a lot of great times and, uh, I met a lot of people. The whole Seattle scene was blowing up there's, I was on the fringe of that, but yet there's also, um, a lot of ways I was involved in that. And then, when, um, it was starting to catch up with me you know I was I moved there when I was 19. And by the time I was 24, um 25, I started, you know it's it was really catching up with me and I was starting to try and figure out what was wrong with me. You know, going to the doctor, trying to, you know I just I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, um, which you know, explained a lot. And also the treatment didn't really work, Um, but I didn't know that. It wasn't supposed to. It felt like it, you know, should work, like, oh, you just take this thyroid pill and you should be, but it never did make me feel normal and so I I started to become, you know, pretty depressed, um, and the effects of long-term use, because by then we're talking 10 years. I started definitely, you know, saying I started drinking and using when I was 14 is late, it really was before then, but let's just say 14, you know, and when it really started and I, that's 10 years, at 24, where it's just starting to catch up to me. So when Kurt Cobain died by suicide, it was really hard on me and I, you know, I knew that I had to get out of Seattle or I might die too, because I just and my best friend, she was also kind of in the same boat as me. She was going to be moving. She moved to Montana to go to college and we both knew we're just like we have got to get out of here or, you know, something's going to happen. So I had some friends who lived in Portland and they're like you know, there are a couple of them I met through a record label, um, um, some people that manage some bands, and one and one of them's wife worked at the post office and she's like well, you know, you can move down here and all my boy.
Speaker 2:At the time this is funny For some reason I decided I was only dating guys that lived in Portland. Portland is not that far from Seattle, it's like two, it's like two and a half hours. So I was just anybody that I was dating lived in Portland, not Seattle, and that was another way that you know, um, my friends like, well, you know, I can help you, I can. I know the number of the human resource person at the post office and you can get some benefits. And I always wanted benefits. I wanted healthcare. I never thought I'd get married. I never thought. I just always thought it was going to be just me. Nobody's going to help me out. So this would be the perfect blue collar job where I can get bennies they call them bennies benefits. I want healthcare, I want a way to save.
Speaker 2:Another thing I was doing when I was up in Seattle is I was, you know, I was noticing good there, I just remember, and she was so beautiful, but she was a dancer and she was probably about 40, just magnificent creature, gorgeous. She had a lot of regulars, lots of money. But you know, I was, you know, everybody seems old when you're 20 and somebody who's 33, they're like so old, Right, yeah, and not that I thought she was old, but I realized that she's older and that, you know, she was still doing this gig where you know what's going to happen for her future, and then having the health problem, like not understanding why. Why I was tired all the time and you know, um, I, when I was really little, I had my brand new, my brand new front teeth brand new. I was like seven and I was in little. I had my brand new, my brand new front teeth brand new. I was like seven and I was in school and I was running, tripped and fell in. My brand new front teeth went flying.
Speaker 2:So dental was a big thing too. Like I, I've always had to get like all this dental work done. I'm like I need healthcare, I need dental, I need a future. You know, I need to start saving because it's just going to, you know, it's just going to be me and nobody's going to take care of me. It's like a. It was a rotating thing.
Speaker 2:So that was just a big part of, and Kurt died and I, I, you know, and so I, I jumped on the chance and I went down to Portland, moved down there, pulled up stakes, moved down there, and you know, these days I wouldn't have had to do that, I could have, you know, um, it would have been much easier to figure out how to get in contact. You know, the post office. I could have gotten a hold of the post office, the Seattle office, just as easy as the Portland one, but, but again, it's. Um is the Portland one, but but again it's. Um, it's what I did. And back then the test was hard. You had to take a test to get into the post office. It was hard. Anyways, I'm digressing. We can talk about that, so move down. Um took the test and you know I had a boyfriend. He's a really nice guy. Um, I and I started a job that I.
Speaker 2:It was really hard because I was not used to. You know, this is like this, isn't? I took the test and my grade came up and it was terrible. Um, I don't know, I think it was like let's just say it was like in the seventies out of a hundred, Well, um, every every decimal. It took me like almost a year and a half for my, my, my score, to come up, because I, I don't know, it was hard. I'm not good at memorization. Um, looking at you, we had the. They had these picture like a big giant box that was split up into like like a hundred smaller boxes and each of those smaller boxes had numbers in them and you'd look at them for a minute and then you're supposed to write, like as many as you can remember. Things like that. There's no way.
Speaker 1:So, anyway.
Speaker 2:So why? Why did I bring that part up? Oh, it took me. It took me, I guess. Just it took me a while for my score to come up. And so I became a temporary worker until then, which was great because I was able to.
Speaker 2:Um, my parents said as soon as you get, you know, you go through your probationary period, um, we'll help you put. I did have a lot of support from my mom the whole this time because she's like if you get this job, you know where you're, you have benefits and you have a future and um, you know we'll, we'll put a no interest loan on a down payment on a place for you and um. So that was like a really good motivator and a gift. Right, and it didn't. That didn't happen much. Um, in our culture back then where, like your parents, they just pretty much like the culture was you, boom, you're 18, get out of the house, get out, get out and your peers they're also like what? You still live at home. Like side note, ps, I'm so glad that the culture these days has changed. Where it's okay, you don't have to leave home at 18 necessarily. You know, family staying together is much more benefits than just I do. Sometimes I'm like I wish I could have stood at home.
Speaker 2:Things might've been different, but I was lucky because I was able to get through my temporary you know, your pro, my probationary period, get, get a permanent position. It took a little while and then, when I did, my parents helped me put a no interest loan on a, on a place, a condo and um. But going to the blue collar job, it's like no fucking joke. Um, it was exhausting and so, you know, it didn't take long at all for me if I ever even quit using and drinking. In fact, the using it was easy because the culture there, you know, everybody did it, everybody did it, they used to. I remember when I first started um, they used to give somebody, if they came into work intoxicated, they would give them a free voucher for a taxi home. This is 1994. Wow so, and and you know, things are much different now, of course, that would never happen, but it was just, it was. It was work hard, play hard, um, and it was a struggle for me to be able to work these long shifts standing, you know, much different than being a little stripper, you know, and having different types of um, you know commitments and um, what you have to do, and so, um again.
Speaker 2:So now I'm in my I, you know my, my early mid twenties and, um, I get my, my seniority and I start, start going and I meet my husband. He's great, I love him and we partied like it was 1999 for like the first three years. I don't even remember the first three years. We were together practically and there was a lot of good and bad about it and mostly it was good. Just this work hard, play hard.
Speaker 2:And this is where I really truly realized now that I started to believe that drinking relieved my stress, right. And there was also signs, like one of the first dates that we went out on I remember waking up and he wasn't there and then him coming back like a you know, a few hours later and him saying do you remember breaking up with me last night? I'm like, oh no, I got mad and I was throwing my shoes at him and I was just saying you know we're going to split up anyways, we might as well do it now. It just really morphed into um I, but I did believe, like on my days off and stuff, that that you know we would party, like we'd get three day weekends every six weeks and we would just party and and it worked until it didn't again and then there. But there was more chances at this time because I was doing less. You know a lot less speed and just and and, and I also have struggled with eating.
Speaker 2:You know way over eating for my whole life. That was my original thing, like you know. I was home and um mom had to work and it was me and my little brother and I could um make some Mac and cheese and watch little house on the Prairie and wonder woman and bionic woman and and and the bionic man my favorite kind of shows and um, and you know, have something comforting to eat, and that's where I kind of I think I started using food as a comfort as well. So if I wasn't doing one, I was doing another and. But there would be these times where my husband would start doing the talking, like you know, I would be mean, I guess you know, and he's like. He's like, do you know, you just called me a bitch in the last. Like you know me, I get and I wouldn't even really he goes to you because just call me a bitch and like the last, you know, three minutes, like two or three times, and I'm like no, so over time that that led to.
Speaker 2:And then, just where I was just like no matter what, I was just just getting hammered on my days off If I wasn't working really hard, I was. And then I'm climbing into my 30s and so it was getting starting to get like a little bit harder to recover. I'm out carrying mail the next day and sick. So finally, I don't know, my late, my late thirties, is when there was the, the, and it used to like so I'd be mean and it would happen like maybe once a year, and then by my late 30s and then, and then moving on to like, oh, it happened every six months, and then it happened every three months, and then it just started happening more and more to where I got an ultimatum and so I decided, we decided I went into um outpatient where I just went to um classes to.
Speaker 2:You know, we decided well, because of course it was like well, why can't you just drink one? Why do you have to get like just wasted on? I don't know, I don't have that off, but my husband had the off button with everything, whether it was substance or alcohol. He has always had an off button. I didn't have, I just made the the, the that, but that it just got worse. For me, yeah, um, and I truly thought it was benefiting me. But so he's, we're like, okay, you can stop drinking for a year and then, and that didn't work. But I really I kind of enjoyed the outpatient because I learned a lot and I was the only one in my class that wasn't like in there for um, a way to divert from getting jail time from a drunk dry, a DUI or something like that. So that was kind of interesting and and I did learn.
Speaker 2:I started learning, you know, certain things. It was a good program. I learned about, you know, post acute withdrawal system, pause, post acute withdrawal syndrome which I feel differently about. Now. I just, I feel differently. I feel like that it's post acute withdrawal syndrome is really just your brain has a kind of a pathway and you, almost like every spring, for some reason, I crave delicious beer. I think it's a delicious, but really what I'm craving is probably connection. I smell that barbecue and all of a sudden I'm like, oh, really, I would like to be with some friends and I'd like to, and I, yes, I am thirsty, um, but so I learned a lot.
Speaker 2:And then, um, it didn't work, cause I just, gradually, you know, I would go, it would, it would happen. It just started happening again to where I, not every night, every time I drank, was was an as a disaster, but, you know, more and more times would be a disaster. And then my husband started getting, you know, it's just more and more ultimatums, more and more like, instead of, we were like a team and having fun. It was him like having to worry about taking care of me, and I always felt shame, always felt shame and um, but we carry, you know, we soldiered on and then in my forties, I, you know it became less about, you know, working hard, playing hard and and the and the relieving stress as to to cover up grief.
Speaker 2:My brother died when I was in my mid forties and I just missed him terribly and it just he died by suicide and it was just devastating to me and my family and his, his kids, and it just are. My family was just on the floor for a long time and it, um, it was, you know, it was just me, him and my mom for for a long time, as when I was young and it's like he was my kid brother, seven years younger than me, and kind of that whole. You're not supposed to lose your kids, right? And I just miss my bro and it didn't. I never had, and still haven't had, like super angry.
Speaker 2:I went through the angry part of grief for him, just like, and I also kind of was worried about it. I was worried that he might do something like that, um, for the entire year before it happened and I didn't tell anybody. The entire year before it happened and I didn't tell anybody. And so I was, upon looking back, I realized that I um was already grieving. I was worried about the phone call. I um even went back and when I really started getting worried, a few months before it happened, I went back to be home with him and my family and, um, I just remember it was time for me to go home and I didn't want to leave because I was like, cause the, you know they're in Spokane and it was time for me to fly home and I knew somehow, I knew my body knew that it was going to be the last time I saw him. I think I was just really upset. I did not want to leave. I did not want to leave and um, and later, when I looked back on it, you know there's a lot of things that um, that contributed and so, and there's there's some people can go through when they lose a um, a loved one, by suicide.
Speaker 2:If they, if they, if they die by suicide, there may be time when, or or even you know, a tragic or or not just losing somebody who's close to you, you might, you may, feel like you want to die too, and not necessarily that you want to take your life, but you don't care if you live or die. That happened to me and I know that when in other people that I've talked to, it can be, um, something to watch out for, and and that was really definitely a part of my story where I just didn't care what happened to me. And I really, like you know, my husband was retiring at the time, my um and I lived far away from far away in theory. I mean, really I don't live that far away. It's like a, it's like a five-hour drive if I want to go home, um to Spokane and but yet it's. You know I have a full-time job and I, so it's like it's like it's forever. You know it's like it's um, it's a half a world away. Might as well be in Australia.
Speaker 2:Support that would have been more helpful to, and I, but I did. I had a lot of gifts I, I I took, I was able to have the gift of, you know, the sick leave that I've earned to take time off, and I did spend time. You know I went home for like a month, turned to take time off and I did spend time. You know I went home for like a month. I stayed with my mom and, you know, my family and and I did I was able to. I did have a pretty supportive work environment, as much as they can be Right and I, but it just I, just really. But then again, also there's a well, he's just your brother, get over it. He's.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of demonization because of the, the misunderstanding of, of, of suicide and and how could a person do such a thing? And and I think also understanding that sometimes you know, not caring about yourself, it's just a, it changes you and and and I'd already had a. I already had a problem with wanting to escape and not understanding just how much I thought that I was getting a benefit from drinking or using. I really thought somehow but and I was by then, you know. Now I know that it's really thought somehow but and I was by then, you know. Now I know that it's it's, it's addictive to everybody and and I tried AA and um, I just always felt so damn guilty. I felt so much shame um for having um for drinking and I didn't want to, I always.
Speaker 2:But I've always also, I've always really believed in the power of groups and people share and not feel alone that there's this huge power. I've always really dug group therapy. I did it for eating. I went to, you know, outpatient, inpatient, oh, I'm even forgetting that I well, yeah, I guess I'm getting to that. I went into rehab after this. But I, I really believe in the power of groups.
Speaker 2:But I didn't ever really connect with aa because it was pretty misogynistic and and that's okay. I mean I I understood the philosophy of it was written this con, this con, um content was written a long time ago and things were different and and they didn't really want to change things because what they, how they have it is working and there's there's a lot of talk about that particular topic, like within the AA, like boardrooms and stuff like that about how you know, should we change this Um and what's working. You know, there there's a lot of pushback about changing it. But I didn't like that, the misogyny of it all. And I didn't like um the guilt of or saying, uh, you never have to say you know, hi, I'm Darcy, I'm an alcoholic, but you don't have to say anything. I didn't go to any of those were like really hardcore groups. There were some that were weirder than others.
Speaker 2:Um, but the whole thing where you can't be a sponsor until you've been alcohol-free for a year, having to write your sobriety date down and not wanting to write my new sobriety date down when I would have a um, when I would drink, I would just, I just started. It really started to like re um, dig in the um. The shame for me. And so and before this, you know about a a little over a year after my brother died, I went into. I did go into rehab and it was so.
Speaker 2:I just wanted to go like I had a problem with drinking. Definitely, my husband was like oh my God, I was in big trouble, I did not care, I'd I'd come home, I just drank until I passed out. I didn't want to feel like was just, I just did not care, my poor doggy, taco the chichi, you know you, just I'd get home, my husband would be at work and I'd just be like, get outside, go to the bathroom, you know, and instead of taking him for his lovely walk and I enjoyed I, it was a great way I, I mostly used rehab. I didn't really think I could, um, stop drinking it's all I've ever known is like drinking and using it.
Speaker 2:By by now I'm like pushing 50. I just didn't care, um, what was it going to happen? What? What the consequences were? What happened? And I thought, and I was sneaking it and not doing a very good job, and I was continuing to, to cement in these patterns of sneaking, lying where I was, what I was doing, and it just was just awful.
Speaker 2:And so when I went into rehab, I, I, I did, I was like, oh, and it was a way for me to get away from work, because work what I, I was having a really hard time Cause I was just so hung over all the time and I'm starting to get resentful because I, it was hard to, um, to move on, and so I didn't, I stayed in rehab, for I went in in like September of 2017. And I stayed there till um early December. I didn't want to leave and it wasn't because I didn't want to you know, be back home with my husband. I knew my you know my husband, and taco, my dog, missed me. But I didn't have to back to, I didn't want to have to go back to work because it was the first time I had ever felt that I was. I didn't think I was worth ever before, um taking a break from work and using some sick leave to maybe go get some help. I did it all on my own time. I didn't think I was worth, and that was hard on me because working full time and then trying to go to treatment and so I realized that I did not think I was worth.
Speaker 2:The time it took the money that I might spend or the basically that's it the time I took the money that I might spend, or the uncomfortable conversation that I might have with my husband saying you know I am struggling and I do want to go in and let the chips fall where they may. I really never felt I deserved any of that and until I finally went in and then I just wanted to stay there and because there was a lot of good, I went to Hazelden in Oregon. It was actually it's actually like it's far, but it's because it takes like an hour and a half to get there from my house. But it's um, some people call it the dreaded Hazleton because it's um a Betty Ford and there's a lot of you know there was a really good rehab but like Robin Williams was there the last his last rehab was there, was there the last his last rehab was there. And so he, he has this really great um, he did this really great uh stand-up bit about how he's because it's in the middle of wine country and where I'm at, I mean, there's a big and he's like so I'm, so I'm in rehab, uh, for coke in a in wine country. He does a really good stand on that one. So I stayed.
Speaker 2:I did lots of self-help um, lots of self-work, learned a lot, loved it, but it didn't do anything to help stop me drink. I started drinking immediately afterwards and then that it made it even worse over time because I was sneaking, you know, and I didn't have my family here, I just had my husband. I isolated myself from my stepkids, my support system that I did have, that you know. And I didn't have my family here, I just had my husband. I isolated myself from my stepkids. My support system that I did have, that you know knew that I wanted to not drink, and just some real guy. Then it just got even worse the hiding, the manipulating, the lying, the drinking, the being suspected, the trying, the plotting, the planning, the all of it, the plotting, the planning, the all of it. And so I did have a woman who, um, is the wife of one of my fellow postal workers that um letter carriers that I really liked and um was trying to be proud of.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I quit drinking and I still felt a lot of shame over even because this was in 2018 and it was, you know, still there. I had never even heard of dry January or dry July or sober October I don't know how popular those were then back then, but it was. I still felt a lot of like, I felt awkward. But Barb, my friend, she started going to, she went to a couple AA meetings with me and she was supportive. And then finally one day she looked at me and she's like look, I got a book for you. Read this book and you're never going to drink again. And um, that did not happen. This is 2018. I wasn't able to get um three days in sober until almost 2021.
Speaker 2:But it was Annie anti-graces, um, this naked mind, where it showed the science, the um, of what really happens to you biologically, neurologically, physiologically, all these things when you drink. That it's it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility, and that I'm not. I don't have to identify as an alcoholic and it, it, it did immediately. Reading that book did immediately change. Um, my, I had a switch where I knew I was going to make it, but I did. You know, I knew it. I also knew it didn't happen right away, and I was.
Speaker 2:I also knew it didn't happen right away and I was. I was okay with it, not sort of, I mean, it was painful that it that I could, it did. I didn't have that switch. She had the switch where she quit drinking right away, but I realized it was because you know her story was different. Um, and you know she, she definitely um, there are some people that are able to read a book like that and realize, oh, my God, I'm being marketed to and I'm um, you know, alcohol isn't helping me, it's hurting me, and you know it's not true. There is no alcoholic gene, there isn't these things, and it's enough to um, but I didn't, I didn't. I still think that part of like you know, that self-worth feeling that I was worth it and I was just still so fucking sad, you know.
Speaker 2:I just miss my brother, I missed what happened. You know he had five kids, I had three little boys, and so there's just a lot of pain that I wasn't ready to face. And looking at it in a different way. And you know, taking um, I, I joined the path and um I really liked. I learned about that.
Speaker 2:You know, it is true, you cannot do this alone. I mean some people, maybe there's a rare person that can do it alone but knowing that you're not alone, that that your story, um, mine isn't the same as everybody else's, but somebody's going to really relate to your story, you're not alone, you're not the only one, you're not broken, um, and learning that, holy shit, I'm empowered, I uh, I get to learn who I am now and learning that I can have fun and nobody gives a shit if I'm drinking or not drinking for the most part, and when somebody does what I remember doing before, when somebody is like, uh, I had a friend in fact it was Barb, the person I talk about who gave me the book. It was her husband. One time we were all at this convention he's like no, I don't do shots, you know, I don't do shots. I'll drink beer, but I don't do shots. And we were all just pressuring him, pressuring him, pressuring him, pressuring him and finally he's like fine, you know you guys are going to deal with the repercussions tomorrow and it didn't go well for him. Um, but I was one of those people that would be like what do you mean? You're not drinking, you're weird, you're not cool, you're not sexy, you're not this, you're not that. Um, just starting to learn that that's not true and to question the thoughts in my head and that, yeah, I was addicted to alcohol. And uh, just because I was addicted to alcohol, you know you don't hear people saying, yeah, alcohol. You know you don't hear people saying, yeah, like, looking down, this is my husband. Like he used to smoke it was kind of what you did in the military, but he doesn't smoke anymore and he didn't smoke for very long. You know, not that that matters, but you don't call him, we don't call him, a cigaholic, yeah, yeah. And so that's the.
Speaker 2:The one of the boing biggest um aha is that. And I also like knowing that the tobacco industry like that they put this chemical in tobacco to make it more addictive, and the marketing. And then like, oh, you know the marketing that they do to mothers and especially, especially, to you know, when you're not, you're not, you're not blowing off your steam, you're not, you're not going to get stress relief from you, don't get hammered at your book club and your mommy juice and anyways I. It's just been a real gift to be able to turn all of that around and look at it in a way that works for me. And what works for me is I'm not an alcoholic, neither are you, and when somebody cause I was still when somebody says, um, oh, you know, I see, I know you take your sobriety um seriously, darcy, and I'd be like, for sometimes I would be like I don't know, stop saying I'm sobriety, I just don't drink anymore.
Speaker 2:Now, even now that that's changed around, because it, uh, I felt as I still, and I, but I do still struggle sometimes with shame, right, like um, I just still catch myself feeling shame.
Speaker 2:That, and it is one of the stories I would tell myself about why I couldn't take a break from drinking and maybe get some help.
Speaker 2:Um, maybe go to that, you know, a week retreat where you know it might cost a little bit of money, but I'm going to go to a retreat and I'm going to meditate or I'm going to um hike or I just didn't think I was worth any of that, looking in to look into any of that and um, a lot of that, I'm sure, I'm sure just deals with, with shame and then and then now, then there's, like you know, and the grief part.
Speaker 2:I guess I said when I end with my 50s and I was like doing grief, then then all of a sudden, when I start, all of a a sudden, I'm like, well, I'm now I'm grieving the loss of my youth. There's all kinds of grief, but yeah, but I've learned to have a lot of fun, yeah, yeah, and how much fun it is, um, um, remembering things. I'm not allowing my, my memories to be stolen, uh, you know, and not being resentful all the time about everything and anything you know it's just, and learning how to, how to process my grief, even though that's that that took.
Speaker 2:It takes a lot of work, yeah, and I'm, and I can do it now, and, and I can, and I don't have to be sober in a certain in a certain way either. I can be, I can still be living three out of the seven deadly sins at any point any time of any day. You know what are they. You know sloth, greed, gladdening. You know, there, I can, I can, I don't. I don't have to do sobriety perfect either. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't. Even if I did have a drink, it wouldn't matter, because I don't want to. But I still sometimes will be like, oh, hmm, I'll have that, what's missing? And then I'll think, well, what's missing is well, really, I am thirsty and I need some friends. I need some friendship right now. I need this or that.
Speaker 1:Amazing and I need some friends. I need some friendship right now. I need this or that. So, yeah, amazing, I'm going to have to have you back on because I mean that was really inspirational to hear all that, and I'd love to dig deeper into some of the things that you spoke about and how you got to where you are. So, and I'm sure people listening would love to as well. But, yes, we're going to have to wrap it up now, so where can people find you?
Speaker 2:um, in the meantime, so I have a a little gig that I um where I do I do group and individual coaching. Um, it's called um my my. My website is at Darcy Nolan, at inside job with Darcy Nolancom.
Speaker 1:Beautiful. I'll put it in the show notes as well.
Speaker 2:So another good one that's even easier is coach Darcy PDX at hotmailcom. That's a good one too, but well, I'll tell you, just because I was kind of a rube when I made that first email address, it's pretty long and yeah, and so I would love to hear from anyone and I'll be back, oh you'll be back and, yeah, reach out to Darcy if you want to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, get in touch. That was incredible. I thank you so much for sharing. You know, I know that I can't even imagine how hard it was with your brother, and so thank you for sharing and being so open and vulnerable. I'm sure it will make a difference to a lot of people, but I will definitely be having you back and I look forward to it.
